I was on a camping trip earlier this year and made a snide remark about a dear friend of mine, one who has been like a sister to me in the last five years. It led to a couple serious conversations and a vastly improved friendship–one with a little bit gentler teasing. And I now doubly understand:

A similar thing happened to me not too long ago with my sister. I know her intentions were innocuous, but it struck a chord. And now a serious conversation awaits.

A love for sarcasm was not something that came to me by chance. It likely played a role in my parents divorce (we’re talking a long time ago), and in retrospect those conversations probably weren’t too funny. I’m not surprised that I’ve taken things too far and that other family members have, too.

We’ve all been in situations where someone’s made an inappropriate comment. It’s usually something where they know something about you that others don’t and they bring it up in jest. Chances are it’ll get a laugh and maybe a little silence. Chances are they should have kept their mouth shut.

This has been a really lucky year for me–I’ve never had more things to do or people around. And it’s become obvious that the people who I like most are the ones who are more giving, kind, and open. Dry humor and wit are not mutually exclusive with treating people well.

So this entry is just a reminder to pause for reflection before getting out that quick thought. A reminder to let up when you’re teasing a friend. So what if they can dish it back–what good did the whole thing do? As the holidays pick up–don’t just say thank you and offer presents–be a little gentler. That’ll keep those around you around you.

The book was at times depressing. Like with Love in the Time of Cholera or Goethe’s Sorrows of a Young Werther, unrequited love was an ever-present theme. I know I’ve certainly been through the frustrations of “wanting what you can’t have” or relationship things working out “imperfectly”–and Memories is all about those emotions. One passage on this theme that made me smile (and sniffle):

For a week I did not take off my mechanic’s coverall day or night, I did not bathe or shave or brush my teeth, because love taught me too late that you groom yourself for someone, you dress and perfume yourself for someone, and I’d never had anyone to do that for. Page 82-83

It caught me because we’ve all seen how different we are when we’re in love or have lost love. The way the narrator cleaned his house, organized his books, and generally looked at life in a completely different way when there was a chance at love… The sad part, however, was that much of it was for naught. And such is probably the case in our own lives when we go to extremes to make changes for the arrival of love.

There’s the rub: the levels one will go to for even the most unorthodox or impossible types of love, or even for a glimpse of it. It’s painful to live through that in the book, just like it’s painful to live through it in life.

So yes, the book was difficult at times. But it was worthwhile to live vicariously through some of it. The scary part (in discussing this with a few friends) is just how much empathy there is with these themes. If you’re looking for a warm and fuzzy book, don’t grab this one. If you want a short read or some bitter empathizing, give it a shot.

I’m fairly outspoken and have friends who listen–so normally I’d just grab the phone and reach out. For how many years has this been possible? I mean, it was always possible, but there was a time when people were generally away from a personal line most of the day, when long distance was expensive, when people had to share phones. That was a time when I would write to my friends to seek out advice, to share a thought, to let out an emotion. No matter whether it was email or paper, it was a very different process.

It’s not that we can’t write seriously anymore; arguably, it’s easier than ever. We’ve always had our journals for communicating with no one; now we have the web, enabling to us to communicate our thoughts with everyone. But communicating with one person in writing–that’s different.

Today, we don’t expect to receive serious emails/letters from people. Sure, we receive cards for holidays and an occasional thank you. But we rarely get real, drawn out, personal thoughts via email or postal mail. To the contrary, on a regular basis I hear people talk about avoiding emotion in writing because it’s so difficult to convey tone. “Just call,” is the panacea for any difficult topic.

I had a penpal from seventh grade through tenth grade and we wrote emails (and occasional letters) just about every day. Now when she and I reach out to each other (albeit we’re a bit out of touch) it’s IM, brief emails, or the phone. The same pattern is present in many of my old friendships.

Now when there’s a personal written correspondence it tends to be in one of these circumstances:

1. Romance – since personal writing is so uncommon, it stands out as romantic (and for this reason I don’t believe the love letter will ever die)
2. Convenience – there’s simply no other way to communicate. Like when the person is in jail, or a really difficult timezone
3. Horrible circumstances – when someone simply can’t bring themselves to respond to something face-to-face or through another medium

It’s noticeable when personal written correspondence does not fit into one of the above. Personal writing seems to now belong in blogging or journals or phone calls–not regular correspondence with friends.

It’s not hard for me to list out the people I’m closest with–they’re all on the speeddial of my cellphone. In that list I have family members, friends of over ten years, (people who write for a living,) both faraway friends and those who I see almost every day. After skimming it, I don’t think any of them could fit the bill for the letter I wanted to write tonight. I mean, sure, most of them would accept such a letter from me–they do know me pretty well–and some would even respond in kind…but they’d accept my letter as an exception.

Instant communication is a quick fix but not always the best one. Writing is more difficult, but it forces you to think things through, to find clarity, to get a release without concern for how good a listener the other party is. While tone may not always be best communicated in writing, most novels on your shelf should tell you that it’s possible for much stronger and deeper emotion, for a refined message, for a more powerful thought to come through. That’s why most of the more memorable speeches were not off the cuff but (at least somewhat) scripted. The best stuff takes a little thought and planning. That’s what writing is all about.

Better yet, writing is a way to allow the recipient of this new information to give a more informed response. We all recognize this in business communication, but we tend to avoid this type of thought-out back and forth in more personal matters.

I hope that the next generation knows how to communicate more than just simple emotions through writing. I don’t think the love letter is dead, but I’m worried about the personal letter to a friend. I’d like it back as a tool. There are times when instant conversation is not the best option–when the issues at hand could take a lot more thought from both parties. We should try writing more.

On most of the other sites, there’s this notion of ‘fitness matching’: You may have the same goals, intelligence, good looks, political beliefs. But you can walk into a room, and every one of those boys might come from the same background, have the same level of intelligence, and so on, and maybe you’ll talk to three but won’t fall in love with any of them. And with the fourth one, you do. What creates that chemistry? (Dr. Helen Fisher)

I’ll leave out the conclusions of the article and my own opinions on these sites, but I think this comment captures something that many of my friends and I have encountered in the dating world: lack of chemistry.

I know what type of person I’d like to meet, and if you asked me to list out all the ideal traits I’d probably keep typing until you took the keyboard away. At different times in my life I’ve met variations on this ideal (or the ideal at the time) and in some cases it’s turned into something…in others nothing came of it. Why?

In the times that it’s worked for me it’s never been subtle. Every person with whom I’ve had an emotionally significant relationship (that term’s just a little ambiguously loaded!) has had somewhat of a similar inception. The contexts have been different, but it’s been in some variety of:

1. Boy and Girl meet (or meet suddenly in a new context). Then they:
2. Have a short delay or not, but soon they…
3. Talk/write/email/IM for an insane amount of time. All the time. This feels natural & comfortable.
4. Don’t think about roles.
5. Boy and Girl become Boy&Girl.

On the other hand, a lot of dating, or at least the ones that even make it past a few dates, seem to fit the following pattern:

1. Boy and Girl meet (or meet suddenly in a new context). Then they:
2. Play out a polite ritual of when to call and write.
3. Go on a series of dates and have a fairly good time.
4. Notice all the things they have in common. Or maybe not…
5. Notice just how attracted they are to each other. Or maybe not…
6. Boy and Girl go through questioning in their head (perhaps interrupted by “physical distractions”)
7. Maximum time together: 2 months.

Once again: why?

Natural chemistry. I don’t know what that means, I don’t know how to recognize it at first, but it always follows the first set of steps for me (or at least the first steps 1-4). The last time it happened came as a shock to me: after almost 2 years of “things that worked and interesting people” I was completely surprised to find myself suddenly comfortable with a completely unexpected person. Why was it so different? Oh yeah, it just fit; I was conspicuously at ease.

Sadly that’s not the whole story. Chemistry is just one piece, though perhaps it may be the strongest one. In this last case it wasn’t enough.

But I feel like it’s the crucial piece that’s often missing. It seems to be easy to dismiss people because they’re not “as involved with X as you” or they cheer for a different political party. But I don’t know that I could dismiss people for these sorts of things if there were chemistry, at least not as quickly. Chemistry is often not subject to reason, it’s just what happens naturally.

I think there are times in our lives when we’re open to meeting people and times when we’re not; I imagine that plays a great deal into chemistry. I also think there are certain things we need to have in common to click in such a way. But the more I’m confronted with this topic, the more I wonder what these things are…and whether they’re what we’ve traditionally associated with “the list of requirements for an ideal.”

Once again I guess I’m just questioning the role of logic in the heart’s affairs. But I feel like it’s something we all need to remember as we go out to meet the perfect people. What’s perfect for you? Is it really that list of traits you wrote down?

Two years ago all the Kim pictures came down from the room…   After a second date with RD last year, when she found out about this website, I distinctly recall moving “Kim” from a top-level-folder to the category “Friend.” RD even pointed out that she was looking at the site while it was happening… I also remember around the same time that her site took the word “boyfriend” out of the Jared folder description… But when I moved to my new place and had room for photos I did go ahead and put up a Kim photo. It was proportionate to the current role she played.

I bring up all this pathetic (in)significance because I have hundreds of Kim photos…but I can’t decide what their role ought to be in the “final 1000.” This isn’t meant to be a personal harangue or a trip down memory lane. The number of photos probably is proportionate to her significance, but (a) it’s of a time now past and (b) I question whether a public website ought to take a stance on one’s present much like the photos displayed around the house.

I don’t really know the right answer to this quandary, but I think when I finish sorting (probably still have 20 or so hours to go) I’ll probably decide against keeping all those photos in the public eye. I’m a different person. Those photos are from a different time. And even if she was photogenic and I did take a lot of pictures, it’s not who I am now and there’s no reason to showcase it.

I guess the one lesson learned from all this is that when you make an archive of your life it really can capture it, for better or worse. Moving on…

Especially now, when we’re all mature enough to recognize “what one should do.” It’s conspicuous when someone doesn’t return a gesture or offer thank you. And, quite frankly, it bothers me. If you’re not sure what to do, just say something nice and move on.

My gripe of late is actually a bit more specific. A couple of my friends saw very obvious demonstrations about how I would react in a particular circumstance, and then didn’t reciprocate in similar circumstances. In one case it was not offering their apologies when they seriously ruined my day (though it wasn’t intentional, they knew what happened). In another it was about offering to share something very important with me but then avoiding it the multiple times the opportunity arose. Alone these would only mildly bother me, but having nearly the identical thing happen with both of them within a week when I went out of my way to do “the right thing”…. Gosh I wish I could write the specifics, but I feel like I’m going to get in trouble for writing just this much.

Is there a moral to all of this? You never how people are people are going to take your inaction, so you may as well be nice. You may even make a difference in their day. At the Perk today, when I was feeling a little down and there were two new people working there, one of them grunted and didn’t say anything much whereas the other smiled as she brought me extra chutney. The first person kept me in the same mood (by the way, you should thank people when they give you a tip!). The second one made brightened my day (well worth the tip!).

The irony with one of the two people that my real gripe is with is that she’s been trying to get to know me better–yes, romantically. I know that it’s not personal that she didn’t reciprocate here. But it’s hard for me to even maintain a friendship with people who conspicuously avoid going a little bit out of their way for you. Or worse, they only do it when there’s something in it for them. Boo.

So the message is simple, be kind to people because you never know how much it’ll help them or affect your friendship. We’d all like to think we don’t keep score, but deep down it’s hard to always look the other way.

What scares me is how many relationships lack a respect in the other’s opinion. Ivy League Joe dating High School Educated Jane is not an unusual or altogether odd scenario, but the idea of Joe patronizing Jane is grisly to me. And we all know how often we hear without listening.

In a real relationship it’s not so simple. Joe will have his strengths (bear with me through these stereotypes, they’re for clarity), managing the finances and helping with the kids’ homework. Jane keeps track of the kids’ schedules and has all the ideas for fun things on weekend evenings. Maybe this works fine in the day-to-day, but what happens when Jane suggests that a particular summer camp is better for little Alex, and Joe has a different opinion? From their particular strengths this should have no relevancy, but will an initial imbalance lead to an imbalance throughout? When conflicts arise will Joe and Jane respect each other’s judgments?

A beautiful thing is when both Joe and Jane can contribute and complement one another. A terrible thing is when they don’t see eye to eye when conflict strikes.

It’s easy to frame a portrait of big issues like this, and I think relationships can get by when these things come up. What’s harder for me to understand is how some relationships can exist without a basic respect for the others’ opinion on a daily basis. Let me explain…

Think of a person who you trust blindly–the one who always finishes projects on time, who always knows what to say, who remembers your birthday every year. They’re on top of life, have proven themselves, and are dependable. When you talk to this person you’re going to listen to their advice even if it’s completely different than your own. Just by virtue of an idea coming from this person makes it worthy of respect and attention.

We attach a particular degree of value to each person and their ideas. With the person above, we highly value and appreciate their attention. With someone else, though we may be close with them, we may not really value their opinion. Maybe it’s a coworker who has a bunch of ludicrous conspiracy theories about the government. Perhaps it’s a close friend who has horrible taste in significant others. In either case, there will be other areas in which we respect their opinion…and the question becomes how important it is that we see eye to eye on particular topic areas.

As we get to know people, I think it’s easy to fall victim to devaluing certain people’s opinions and blindly praising others. Look around you, I’m sure you know who falls into which categories.

But so far I’ve just painted a portrait. I bring attention to this for two reasons:

1. Is it okay to develop a friendship with someone when there are relevant sides of them that you simply disagree with?
2. Why is it that so many serious relationships miss this type of respect even after early signs? I only wish that people could be more aware of it.

It’s wonderful when two people can disagree and yet still respect each other’s insight. It’s saddening when there’s patronization or frustration at not being able to get one’s opinion listened to. I just hope for more of the former than the latter…

Back in 1994 I started emailing with Manda Jane…which definitely turned into the first real relationship for both of us. The funny thing about it is that we knew each other before there was a stigma to meeting someone online (there was no widespread world wide web for the general public). And then soon after that there were all these tales of weirdos and pedophiles… but by now the whole thing is commercialized and once again accepted.

I think it’s a great thing. I’m not exactly the quiet type and the majority of my relationships have been through the “real world”…but I think that meeting people online (whether dating or just as friends) opens up so many possibilities. It can be a superficial thing (if you want it to be) or it can be a meeting-for-the-right-reasons endeavor. It’s all what you want to make of it.

I’m going to get myself in trouble for posting this–but before you object, look at some of your friends who are in relationships. Did it take place in a traditional circumstance or not? Or, even if it did…how much of a role did email and IM take place in the early stages?

Perhaps it’s a bit depressing that the medium for relationships has changed so much over the last few years. It opens up certain doors for communication but also removes a layer of privacy. For instance, there’s way too much information on me on the internet. Why couldn’t I just be like my employees, people like David Green and Kimberly Paul, who have nothing to worry about when it comes to internet research…

But I digress. If it weren’t for the internet I’d be in a very different place with my friendships and relationships. I would also lose a huge outlet for my personality–writing. Ever since Manda I’ve loved writing and sharing through email; it’s wonderful that I can meet people that way.

We all imagine that the next generation will have more and more people meeting through the web and basing relationships on IM. To some degree we have to temper that and make sure we don’t miss out on life. For now I’m just coming to better terms with this whole idea…as I too have a degree of paranoia. Like with anything else, it’s a matter of using your head and being careful. But why miss out?

But along with the coincidence that brought Tomas and Tereza together there was the parallel romantic and terrible end of Anna and Vronsky in Anna Karenina. We choose to find beauty and create symmetry in life and love, but sometimes we need to look a little closer at that beauty. Sometimes we have to untangle the beauty and see it for the circumstance that it is.

You know, I never took Kim to the 94th Aerosquadron. That was where Helen and I had met and spent many an occasion. As a matter of fact, I don’t think I’ve been to the nicest restaurant in College Park in the last 4 years. I’m guilty as charged for holding onto beauty.

There was a tiny, hidden park I used to love in High School. Merrill and I found it one day and spent three hours there swinging and hanging out in this little hut talking about everything that high school kids do when they pour out their hearts and become best friends who live in different states and wish they lived closer. But the terrible beautiful thing about that park is that I took a lot of people there. At first it became their park and not Merrill’s park. But then something changed: it became my park, my memory.

The same unfortunate truth has happened with so many other places. But that’s life: when we move on we can’t expect to leave memories unscathed. We want to preserve the beauty, the innocence, the moment. But life goes on and we shouldn’t be expected not to want to enjoy and appreciate the things that we always loved.

The classic mistake is the dancing couple who breaks up and gives up their cherished activity due to the memories. It’s going to happen that you share things with someone, but just because you’re sharing doesn’t mean you’re not learning something yourself. Just because you’re growing together doesn’t mean you’re not growing yourself.

It would be ridiculous for me to toss aside all the wonderful things I learned about myself, to forget the things I’m now knowledgeable about, or to avoid the subjects and places that have taken on meaning. I created that shared meaning and it’s okay for me to enjoy that meaning just for myself, or with whomever I so choose.

Don’t get me wrong: it’s ironic and bizarre both the professional and personal things I’ve found people to share in common lately. But I can’t fault myself for seeing the beauty, for connecting the dots, for seeing the obvious. But people, places, and events are unique and reminders will fade away like the warm weather. Still, the sun will return and new memories and beauties will be built: some conscious, and some unaware.

The trick is to accept the beauty while being careful, and push aside the pain while being respectful. Bridges are not to be burned, but new bridges must haveroom to be built.

There’s no such thing as finality in moving on, but we’ve just got to lookout for ourselves. So it goes, and so do I…

But it’s been a long time since high school and I’d like to think I’m a little less naïve and idealistic. Still, there’s something to be said for the above theory. Last night in a conversation with Yv we came up with a corollary about getting excited early on. She said something to the effect of:

“When dates get so excited so early I don’t trust it because I know that they can’t possibly know me well enough to be that excited.”

To me, it’s a turnoff when they’re so interested without knowing much about me. But more than that, it speaks to a change in how we approach relationships as we get older—love at first sight and instant romance is less of the norm. And even if we wanted such an experience, guys and girls alike have learned one way or another (for better or worse) to shun the instant love. If you haven’t been in one of those blown-out-of-proportion-in-one-week-and-then-fall-flat-on-your-face relationships then you’re lucky, and likely the exception.

So what’s the moral behind all this: get to know people and be careful how you play your cards.

Unfortunately it’s not so easy, because people will judge things one way or another, regardless of how one tempers their emotions (both visibly and internally). I do believe there’s something to be said for being careful and not diving in instantly. When the right person comes along then you’ll know and, a few weeks/months in, maybe then all rules will be off. But play it safe and don’t forget our old theory, which is still puttering on.

I miss camp. I guess Cancun will have to suffice….