I listened to an NPR piece the other day discussing how 20% of Americans don’t use the internet at all.  I’d gamble that fewer than half of those who do sign on are regular readers of blogs.  Right now the common wisdom online is that it’s fewer than 1% of a site’s visitors who participate in the conversation.  Well, that fewer than 1% has become my friends of late–and let me just tell you, that’s not the real world.

It’s actually the fake world.  We can talk all we want about developing real relationships with real people, but for every 250 subscribers or social network add’s, I’d say that a half dozen are people I seek out when I need a friend.  I believe that the internet is fantastic for commerce, the world is flat, information is available, yada yada yada…but of the 35 people in my speed dial only one of them is on Twitter.  And that’s my girlfriend, who didn’t have an account before we met (thank you Elizabeth for being a separate voice!).  I hope I don’t rub off on her too much.

Okay, so it’s new media all right.  Well it’s only a matter of time before my friends move there?  Or hell if I update my speed dial, there’s at least one internet friend I’d like to add to that speeddial.

But those forms of communication aren’t really making me happier.  They satiate, they distill, they occasionally satisfy…but can I honestly say I wouldn’t be better off in a town of 1,000 with a handful of very strong relationships?

I love technology–I love it for its freedoms and its empowerment and its immediacy.  But I’d rather it be a footnote to my relationships, not the content.

So what’s this have to do with perspective?  If I want to escape from the echo chamber of many of the relationships I’m now developing, I need to get away.  If I want to build the same types of relationships I’ve always sought, I need to probe deeper than 140 characters.  That means real time with real people.  (That doesn’t mean networking or groups of dozens of people–it means real time with a few people.)

Travel will be a start.  I need to be reminded of the rest of the world.  And throughout I need to remember the type of relationships I really need.  I’m not going to find them with more people, I’m going to find them and maintain them with a special few.

Let me make this clear–I’m not talking about attempting things and failing or missing a deadline. I’m not talking about New Year’s Resolutions or personal challenges that don’t pan out after a few weeks. And I’m not talking about times when there is a psychological or societal pressure to say something. I’m talking about when things are cut and dry–when you say you’re going to do something and the person you say it to has every reason to genuinely believe that you’ll do it.

In general the things that bug are me are really small, like saying that one’s going to call (without any prodding on your end for them to) or canceling multiple times for reasons like, “I’ve had a long day.” If I’m making time for someone then I know they’re making time for me, and I’m not going to mess up their day even though it’s not convenient for me.

One of my all time pet peeves is when I’m networking with people who want something from me, be it my own business or access to my clients, and then they don’t respond to calls or emails. One minute they say they want something but then another they don’t have the decency to follow through a simple gesture. I’d rather they didn’t waste anyone’s time. On more than one occasion I’ve contacted someone to do business with them, but without making that the explicit purpose of getting in touch. Then if they didn’t follow up then that’s the end (without letting them know I had a great opportunity for them)–I don’t want to work with someone who isn’t decent enough as a human being.

And yet sometimes there are much worse situations. Even worse than those who don’t return simple gestures are the ones who say they’ll do work and then don’t deliver. No, it’s not that they’re late, but that the problem never gets solved or they disappear (regardless of if they’re getting paid). It’s beyond my imagination how someone could accept a paid responsibility and, while under favorable terms and circumstances, simply fail to deliver.

In the middle of this entry a friend called and we talked about whether this is about commitment or about general integrity. About how people don’t do things for the right reasons and fail to follow through on societal norms. I do have issues with people who are not generally the ones I could rely on…but what’s much worse is when circumstances are clearcut–it’s not a norm, and it’s something that someone actually said they’d do.

I think we live in a world where our connections tend to be shallower. Where we meet so many people that failing with a few is acceptable. In the past, there was pressure to follow through because communities were smaller and most of our ties were to the same people for longer periods of time. It’s unfortunate–because it just makes it easier to get away with breaking commitments and having less integrity.

“My country is broken,” said Ethuin, gazing at the smoldering automobile carcasses a few yards away and the carpet of glass shards, broken dishes and computer pieces covering the sidewalk in the heart of one of the city’s most affluent neighborhoods. “I never imagined I would ever see this in Paris.”

But this last sympathetic addition of his is what truly scares me:

“They have no jobs,” he said. “It’s not their fault.”

I don’t usually express my political or economic opinions online…but not attributing fault to the most ironic display of violence France has seen this century worries me that the country doesn’t recognize where it’s headed or what’s to blame.

What do I mean by irony? The law being protested (particularly by the unemployed) is designed specifically to increase the employment of young French citizens (the unemployment rate is currently over 20 percent!).

Now I understand that it’s not that simple–the law would set a precedent for more flexible/Western/capitalistic labor laws…something that threatens the job stability & labor protection that French citizens have come to expect. Specifically the law would allow French employers to fire people under the age of 26; right now “it is impossible to fire even the most incompetent workers without huge financial liabilities for companies.”

Why would companies take risks at young hires when they remain handcuffed to them, regardless of employees’ competitive ability? When will the next generation of French wake up to see the landscape of the 21st century economy, where companies need to be agile and employees need to be continually educated?
I’d love to see the beautiful, historic, and refined country of France “get it” at last. It’s crucial for their economy that they incorporate the rest of the world’s business practices. If they keep going the way they are, unemployment will worsen and the generous privileges they enjoy will begin to disappear…

Yep. I got an email at 3 telling me about her lunch with a friend, then at 7 she asked how my dog was doing. I’ll probably get a couple calls tomorrow. The likeliness of my returning an email or a call in between is slim. But there they are, reminders from my mom that this is my fate.

True, the emotion that the 3 emails in a row stir in me is far from lovey-dovey. But as I get off the phone with someone who it’s their turn to call me next, once again following the rules, I remember the one person who gets to disregard them. It’s like dating my mom.

Especially now, when we’re all mature enough to recognize “what one should do.” It’s conspicuous when someone doesn’t return a gesture or offer thank you. And, quite frankly, it bothers me. If you’re not sure what to do, just say something nice and move on.

My gripe of late is actually a bit more specific. A couple of my friends saw very obvious demonstrations about how I would react in a particular circumstance, and then didn’t reciprocate in similar circumstances. In one case it was not offering their apologies when they seriously ruined my day (though it wasn’t intentional, they knew what happened). In another it was about offering to share something very important with me but then avoiding it the multiple times the opportunity arose. Alone these would only mildly bother me, but having nearly the identical thing happen with both of them within a week when I went out of my way to do “the right thing”…. Gosh I wish I could write the specifics, but I feel like I’m going to get in trouble for writing just this much.

Is there a moral to all of this? You never how people are people are going to take your inaction, so you may as well be nice. You may even make a difference in their day. At the Perk today, when I was feeling a little down and there were two new people working there, one of them grunted and didn’t say anything much whereas the other smiled as she brought me extra chutney. The first person kept me in the same mood (by the way, you should thank people when they give you a tip!). The second one made brightened my day (well worth the tip!).

The irony with one of the two people that my real gripe is with is that she’s been trying to get to know me better–yes, romantically. I know that it’s not personal that she didn’t reciprocate here. But it’s hard for me to even maintain a friendship with people who conspicuously avoid going a little bit out of their way for you. Or worse, they only do it when there’s something in it for them. Boo.

So the message is simple, be kind to people because you never know how much it’ll help them or affect your friendship. We’d all like to think we don’t keep score, but deep down it’s hard to always look the other way.

What scares me is how many relationships lack a respect in the other’s opinion. Ivy League Joe dating High School Educated Jane is not an unusual or altogether odd scenario, but the idea of Joe patronizing Jane is grisly to me. And we all know how often we hear without listening.

In a real relationship it’s not so simple. Joe will have his strengths (bear with me through these stereotypes, they’re for clarity), managing the finances and helping with the kids’ homework. Jane keeps track of the kids’ schedules and has all the ideas for fun things on weekend evenings. Maybe this works fine in the day-to-day, but what happens when Jane suggests that a particular summer camp is better for little Alex, and Joe has a different opinion? From their particular strengths this should have no relevancy, but will an initial imbalance lead to an imbalance throughout? When conflicts arise will Joe and Jane respect each other’s judgments?

A beautiful thing is when both Joe and Jane can contribute and complement one another. A terrible thing is when they don’t see eye to eye when conflict strikes.

It’s easy to frame a portrait of big issues like this, and I think relationships can get by when these things come up. What’s harder for me to understand is how some relationships can exist without a basic respect for the others’ opinion on a daily basis. Let me explain…

Think of a person who you trust blindly–the one who always finishes projects on time, who always knows what to say, who remembers your birthday every year. They’re on top of life, have proven themselves, and are dependable. When you talk to this person you’re going to listen to their advice even if it’s completely different than your own. Just by virtue of an idea coming from this person makes it worthy of respect and attention.

We attach a particular degree of value to each person and their ideas. With the person above, we highly value and appreciate their attention. With someone else, though we may be close with them, we may not really value their opinion. Maybe it’s a coworker who has a bunch of ludicrous conspiracy theories about the government. Perhaps it’s a close friend who has horrible taste in significant others. In either case, there will be other areas in which we respect their opinion…and the question becomes how important it is that we see eye to eye on particular topic areas.

As we get to know people, I think it’s easy to fall victim to devaluing certain people’s opinions and blindly praising others. Look around you, I’m sure you know who falls into which categories.

But so far I’ve just painted a portrait. I bring attention to this for two reasons:

1. Is it okay to develop a friendship with someone when there are relevant sides of them that you simply disagree with?
2. Why is it that so many serious relationships miss this type of respect even after early signs? I only wish that people could be more aware of it.

It’s wonderful when two people can disagree and yet still respect each other’s insight. It’s saddening when there’s patronization or frustration at not being able to get one’s opinion listened to. I just hope for more of the former than the latter…

Sitting to my left with a stream of reporters is Jayson Blair. Right now the Diamondback is interviewing him, and earlier it was a regional TV station from the south. He recently published a book and now he’s cashing in on it by traveling and getting interviewed everywhere. Jayson Blair is the UMD graduate who plagiarized and flat-out lied while writing for the NY Times. He went from a decent human being who well-represented our University to someone who damaged the campus’s image and is now making money selling his story…after taking others down with him.

Now that I’m ranting, I may as well go on. These people are taking up a good portion of space at the cafe: cameramen, interviewers, etc…and none of them are buying any drinks. When Jack and Tom visited me here last week I asked Tom what he was getting to drink and he said he didn’t have any money so I bought him a drink. I hate people that come here and use the space and ambience without spending any money to support it. At least get a Coke, c’mon.

Well, I guess I’ll just sit here and pet Pooky and enjoy the sunlight I deserve while I drink my second hot Cocoa. Back to work…

People get busy.  People have responsibilities.  People have other people.  And sometimes we’re just not one of them.  Perhaps it’s their opinions of us, perhaps it’s chance, or perhaps they just don’t trust themselves enough to let go.  Whatever it is, there’s always a time to be relatively alone.  So what do we do?

I’ve always tried to deal with this twofold:

1. Have lots of different friends.  Distance and time don’t have to be in one’s favor, keeping relationships alive doesn’t take much maintenance.
2. Learn, grow, keep yourself fresh and have things to do.  Take responsibilities on.

There are, of course, problems with both methods.  Number 1 is unfortunately a two-way street and much as I can maintain relationships it’d be nice if people were a little more reciprocal, say, all the time.  Okay, now I’m just bitching, but it’s true.  I spend lots of time on the phone but when does it ring without some sort of purpose in mind?  Number 2 is tough because with responsibility comes less time for the people in #1.  But I suppose that’s some of their own medicine.  I guess that’s sorta how it is: if you’re busy you don’t have to worry about people and if you have to worry about people then you’re not busy enough.  Therein lies a challenge. Or maybe just a rationalization for one choice or the other…

Maybe that expression “Bite off more than you can chew and then chew like hell” captures it all.  But either way it’s kinda depressing to be an afterthought to so many.  I guess that’s just when you’ve got to make the shift to making yourself number one and diving into responsibilities.  You can always play that game.  Don’t get mad, get busy.  Ahh…life, such a crazy place to be.

I’m off to do some stuff.  What’s the difference?–it’s for me.

I was just talking on the phone to Yv and I listening to her talk about how she has all this work this weekend because she had been out on a big project from Wednesday through Friday (day and night). When I asked if she was taking Monday and Tuesday off she explained how there was another project that she needed to finish for Tuesday. It didn’t even cross her mind that she deserved better…or at least additional compensation.

A similar thing happened to me. I got a call on Friday at 4:50 asking me to provide a solution to a problem I had not created. Even though I had another deadline I complied. Then he asked me to help on another project and I asked him when he’d like to schedule it. He said “before Monday.” I didn’t want to work during the weekend but I agreed to 5:30 on Sunday. At 5:30 on Sunday he asked me to reschedule. Sense a pattern?

All of this was because my client, for some reason, assumed that his time was more important than mine. That’s ridiculous.

I’m a big fan of making my clients happy and being flexible. However, just because I work in IT doesn’t make my skills of any less value. Even if I were a cashier or a paper copier I would expect people to recognize that they’re no better than I. It’s that understanding that people just don’t get.

It is somewhat difficult for me to accept that some of my friends make $6.50/hour and others over $400/hour. But what’s worse is that the person who makes $400/hour may round up in increments of every six minutes and his similarly intelligent counterpart may round down to the nearest half hour. Skills, degrees, and supply/demand should factor into one’s salary, but respect and quality of work are the only things that should have anything to do with rounding.

Sometimes I wish that quality of work should determine people’s salaries, but I know that that there are other factors at play. Still, if you’re in a position to either give or receive money, try to recognize the message behind that money. Think about what your time means and don’t let people take advantage of you. Even more, respect that other people’s time is just as valuable.

I recently purchased three computers for a client and one of the PCs kept mysteriously shutting off. My supplier worked with us to provide alternate computing resources and stood by the PC 100% until they had to replace it. I don’t know if my supplier had been at fault when they originally delivered the computer, but I know they stood by it–and that was the important part. Things just don’t always work out the first time.

I know that some people get really annoyed when a product or some advice doesn’t pan out the first time, even if the adviser or producer is willing to make it work in the long run. Now I agree that it’s an annoyance…but I also think that quality of service is not about necessarily getting everything right the first time–it’s about making sure that things end up where they’re supposed to be and that the client is happy.

But some people just don’t accept mistakes. And some people will never be happy…*sigh*