I was on a camping trip earlier this year and made a snide remark about a dear friend of mine, one who has been like a sister to me in the last five years. It led to a couple serious conversations and a vastly improved friendship–one with a little bit gentler teasing. And I now doubly understand:

A similar thing happened to me not too long ago with my sister. I know her intentions were innocuous, but it struck a chord. And now a serious conversation awaits.

A love for sarcasm was not something that came to me by chance. It likely played a role in my parents divorce (we’re talking a long time ago), and in retrospect those conversations probably weren’t too funny. I’m not surprised that I’ve taken things too far and that other family members have, too.

We’ve all been in situations where someone’s made an inappropriate comment. It’s usually something where they know something about you that others don’t and they bring it up in jest. Chances are it’ll get a laugh and maybe a little silence. Chances are they should have kept their mouth shut.

This has been a really lucky year for me–I’ve never had more things to do or people around. And it’s become obvious that the people who I like most are the ones who are more giving, kind, and open. Dry humor and wit are not mutually exclusive with treating people well.

So this entry is just a reminder to pause for reflection before getting out that quick thought. A reminder to let up when you’re teasing a friend. So what if they can dish it back–what good did the whole thing do? As the holidays pick up–don’t just say thank you and offer presents–be a little gentler. That’ll keep those around you around you.

Note: This will be the last round of divided photos between Flickr and Coppermine–after this blog post, everything will be uploaded exclusively to Flickr…

DC Tech Events…

• nclud’s Open House Party in October
• Startup Weekend
• The New New Internet Conference
• nclud’s Halloween Gathering at Old Dominion (and the next 4 photos)

Halloween Parties at Jack’s, Katie’s, and Old Dominion

Thanksgiving in Boston

Boston and Marblehead in September

The Last Jazz in the Sculpture Garden (and the next dozen or so photos)

Even with all our methods of contact and keeping in touch, does it really help us to feel any more a part of a community? Sure, there are more places to participate, but that also means there are more places to feel behind or out of the loop. With all the communities where one can be popular, one can always turn a corner to find a place where they really haven’t made it.

Both locally and nationally I can always turn to my left and see someone who’s made it big. While I may not be a worthy judge, deep down I still have some opinion about whether or not they deserve it. When it comes to internet popularity the “wisdom of the crowd” is so often merely a litmus test for “pretty good” but rarely accurate enough for “truly the best.” The difference between a hero and a superhero is how many sneezing fans they have, not the existence of superpowers.

At dinner with Tony tonight I mentioned how it’s best to put our energy into the few areas where we can really make a difference–how I’ll never be a truly great dancer or writer, but that I stand a chance at certain things with technology. It’s the best place for where my passion and knowledge intersect in ways that are somewhat unique. But looking around me tonight, those who were motivation earlier seem to possess superpowers now.

In the morning, I’ll find the voice of reason again. Tomorrow is a day full of gatherings and some decidedly good company. Staying away from the web for a while is probably a good idea. After all, as a means to happiness, crowds online will never compare to the smiles and musings of friends who are ignorant enough to choose you over the other 422 people on their buddy list.

I’m fairly outspoken and have friends who listen–so normally I’d just grab the phone and reach out. For how many years has this been possible? I mean, it was always possible, but there was a time when people were generally away from a personal line most of the day, when long distance was expensive, when people had to share phones. That was a time when I would write to my friends to seek out advice, to share a thought, to let out an emotion. No matter whether it was email or paper, it was a very different process.

It’s not that we can’t write seriously anymore; arguably, it’s easier than ever. We’ve always had our journals for communicating with no one; now we have the web, enabling to us to communicate our thoughts with everyone. But communicating with one person in writing–that’s different.

Today, we don’t expect to receive serious emails/letters from people. Sure, we receive cards for holidays and an occasional thank you. But we rarely get real, drawn out, personal thoughts via email or postal mail. To the contrary, on a regular basis I hear people talk about avoiding emotion in writing because it’s so difficult to convey tone. “Just call,” is the panacea for any difficult topic.

I had a penpal from seventh grade through tenth grade and we wrote emails (and occasional letters) just about every day. Now when she and I reach out to each other (albeit we’re a bit out of touch) it’s IM, brief emails, or the phone. The same pattern is present in many of my old friendships.

Now when there’s a personal written correspondence it tends to be in one of these circumstances:

1. Romance – since personal writing is so uncommon, it stands out as romantic (and for this reason I don’t believe the love letter will ever die)
2. Convenience – there’s simply no other way to communicate. Like when the person is in jail, or a really difficult timezone
3. Horrible circumstances – when someone simply can’t bring themselves to respond to something face-to-face or through another medium

It’s noticeable when personal written correspondence does not fit into one of the above. Personal writing seems to now belong in blogging or journals or phone calls–not regular correspondence with friends.

It’s not hard for me to list out the people I’m closest with–they’re all on the speeddial of my cellphone. In that list I have family members, friends of over ten years, (people who write for a living,) both faraway friends and those who I see almost every day. After skimming it, I don’t think any of them could fit the bill for the letter I wanted to write tonight. I mean, sure, most of them would accept such a letter from me–they do know me pretty well–and some would even respond in kind…but they’d accept my letter as an exception.

Instant communication is a quick fix but not always the best one. Writing is more difficult, but it forces you to think things through, to find clarity, to get a release without concern for how good a listener the other party is. While tone may not always be best communicated in writing, most novels on your shelf should tell you that it’s possible for much stronger and deeper emotion, for a refined message, for a more powerful thought to come through. That’s why most of the more memorable speeches were not off the cuff but (at least somewhat) scripted. The best stuff takes a little thought and planning. That’s what writing is all about.

Better yet, writing is a way to allow the recipient of this new information to give a more informed response. We all recognize this in business communication, but we tend to avoid this type of thought-out back and forth in more personal matters.

I hope that the next generation knows how to communicate more than just simple emotions through writing. I don’t think the love letter is dead, but I’m worried about the personal letter to a friend. I’d like it back as a tool. There are times when instant conversation is not the best option–when the issues at hand could take a lot more thought from both parties. We should try writing more.

Jared part 1: I prefer to get together with people 1-on-1, and most of my plans are coordinated as such.
Jared part 2: I love making my friends happy (i.e., entertaining, sending a random present or a card, etc).

Now don’t get me wrong, part 1 & part 2 don’t have to conflict because I don’t mind being around a bunch of people, especially when they’re all my friends. But I think part 1 stems from enjoying the person–who my friend is, what they believe in, the history of our friendship, etc. And part 2 as relates to entertaining a group is twofold. On the one hand, I get the benefit of seeing a lot of people enjoying themselves. On the other, most of the good time is because of the group experience and less about the individual people. There’s nothing wrong with an experience, but while the sum of the whole may be greater than its parts, it becomes a very different being in the process.

Now let me confuse the issue a little–my generalizations above are not always the case. Sometimes when you’re with one person, it’s about both the person and the experience. And sometimes it’s about just one. Seeing a movie is a perfect example. In some cases, you’re seeing a movie as an excuse to be around a particular person; the movie doesn’t matter, the experience may not be an end in itself, but being with so-and-so is. In other cases, you’re with a friend at the movies just because you wanted some company and didn’t want to go alone; the individual was less important but their presence added to the experience. I think the same two situations can be said for meals–sometimes you have specific company, sometimes you just have company. And in the best of cases, it’s about both. Similarly, in a group, sometimes it’s who you have around (and what they mean to you) that makes for a good time and other times it’s the group that makes for the experience.

This confuses me, too: it’s impossible to really separate a person’s meaning to you and your experience with them at a given time. It’s just that some situations lend themselves more to one than the other.

My dinner party wasn’t a large group–11 people. Even though pretty much no one had met before (outside of knowing me), the conversation rarely had a lull. But what I didn’t do was to introduce everyone’s background or work or relation to me–something I did at the last dinner party. Everyone figured out pretty quickly that Chris was a doctor (after explanations of the stages of malaria), that Kim was saving the world (through her explanations of child trafficking and African stints), and that Ted knew altogether too many random facts…but all the details didn’t come out like before. The party never became about the individuals–it stayed flowing as its own being, separate from any one individual. There’s nothing wrong with that, and heck I already knew a lot about each of the people. But it made me think about what I enjoy, how I want to entertain, and why I tend to choose solos most of the time.

In this particular case, I valued the friendship more on the fact that we’d been talking on the phone for probably about a year and a quarter, every month or so, and usually for over an hour. We emailed a fair amount, as well. We didn’t see each other much because we lived far away. I thought of her not necessarily as a close friend, but at least as a friend whose company meant a lot to me.

You’re probably curious why a conversation like this would come up. It had something to do with making time when one was in the area of the other–I thought it worth going out of one’s way, etc. As one might imagine, little debates like this never really go anywhere. But it got me thinking about what makes a good friendship for me.

For me, friendships (and relationships) are all about presence. Sometimes that means getting together a couple times a month, but more often it means the occasional phone call, email, or card. Some of my closest friends are people within a few miles, but we’re all so busy that I don’t even get to see them that often. But we talk. A lot. And it’s the thought of knowing that a friend is around if you need them, regardless of geography.

And it’s that whole contrast that’s so profound to me–that you can be closest to people on the other side of the globe and that a friend down the street might never make much of an impact. Part of it is because of the increased effort involved–when people who you wouldn’t normally run into make time, that time is more special. And part of it is just that proximity is a circumstance, not a choice; circumstance is a symptom but not the cause of a good friendship.

It’s sad to me sometimes how hard it’s been to keep in touch with some friends who are now far away–people who at one time I’d shared so much with. One or two calls a year would probably “get the job done” but they’re busy in their own worlds. For them, proximity is a qualification for their time.

I guess it comes down to what’s important in friendships. Much as I like hiking together or chatting over coffee, a conversation from a thousand miles away means just as much. This is where some people have a different barometer for what friendship means. I only hope that as I get older I can hang on to those who I enjoy so much these days, even though I know many will be moving away. Hopefully we can appreciate presence from a distance. Or maybe this is just a hint so you-know-who-you-are should call back.

Eventually you meet. Sometimes the stardom dissolves. More often they maintain that scintillating charm you envisioned from afar–so poised and so comfortable. It’s not like they have to impress you; why would they be nervous? Heck, they’re always on.

Or so the story goes. For a while. But then you run into them again. And again.

You have a mutual friend. They’re wearing a shirt you own, as well. They’re applying for a job where you used to work. Impossible…

It’s a process, but all people become real…if we let them. We may never perform with the same ease or radiate in the limelight, but there are things we and the superstars share in common. Even more, there are most likely areas in which we’re much more eligible for superstardom than they.

Perhaps we all know this in the back of our minds. But we need to persistently maintain the belief in order to mentally deflate these intimidating personas. Still, it’s not that easy to build confidence when someone seems “out of your league.”

What helps me is to think of the people with whom I’ve grown close. If I were to picture meeting them for the first time, knowing full-well where they are now, I’d be intimidated. My best friends, girlfriends, co-workers, and clients are and have been just as accomplished, attractive, and impressive. Some of them were the superstars before we grew close. Now they’re just real.

The one-dimensional facade that defines superstars is bound to dissolve as we get to know them…but it’s best to remember that time will reveal the multi-dimensional nature of both them and you.

I say all this after a weekend getting to know a few people I’ve long looked up to …and still feeling challenged by others that, from afar, I’ve grown to respect (or idolspize). But when I keep in the back of my mind what my friendships are like and what I have to offer it’s not so hard to recognize the superstar for a little less and a little more–just another person who I’ll find out soon enough if I really want to admire and befriend.

In our twenties it seems like we cycle through people, and I can’t quite understand the roles played by shared history, convenience, and traits in common. I’m neither one to quickly say goodbye to my past or to entrust too much in future unknowns…but lately I feel like there’s neither rhyme nor reason for the people who come and those who go. For once I don’t feel fully in control of the relationships in my life.

For much of my life, it was just a fact: people and popularity came and went, but that was to be expected from adjusting to new places and switching between activities. Most friendships were about building trust and shared experiences over time…and then they switched between active and passive roles depending on a number of variables like geography and busyness. You keep in touch, you don’t keep in touch…but there’s more ambiguity than finality. Relationships existed for whenever one felt like reaching out to the other, be it for some specific assistance or just to feel connected to another human being.

Now, even though I’ve been in roughly the same geography for a while, it just doesn’t feel that way. Many of my friends are much more careful with who they let into their lives as they consider their time to be “too precious.” It’s as if we select friends like we court significant others…and no one’s good enough. And then there are the friends chosen out of convenience…personally I’ve never been much a fan of that.

I understand that we change as we grow older and different. But I don’t understand what it is that merits a lasting friendship outside of two people who want to share something. I just don’t have the answer. I’m a firm believer that we have the time for the people we want in our lives and that we can’t maintain relationships with everyone. But why it is that we find ourselves making such sharp choices these days is beyond me.

It scares me that, outside of a few good people, I’m relying more on myself every day. I don’t know that that’s how I want to be.

You can’t always pinpoint moments in relationships where transitions occurred, but we can often follow the way a relationship progressed. When they realized “you aren’t always happy” or that “you screw up at work” sometimes or that “you have a thing for guys in the military”…whatever. It’s not that everything’s different, but things become more complicated. And you have to repaint their picture:

“It is not ignorance which damages the clarity of our portraits, but the accumulation of knowledge.”

~Alain de Botton

As we build a person into someone more complex, can they still take on the same roles? Do they want to? Do we want to see them that way? I could go on and on with this explanation but I think you get the gist…

It’s interesting to me how many friends in the last six months have gone from barely acquaintances to much more regular friends. Some of them I’ve let in, some of them let me in. But it’s always curious what happens as parts of the facade dissolve.

Tonight I just didn’t feel like being happy. And though my friend was so into cheering me up I wonder if that will bring us closer or pull us away. I can say the same thing of an email I wrote to another friend earlier this week. As the thrill of the house fades and work and other areas take hold I’m just not excit-ed/-ing all the time. We’ll see who sticks around…

You know me and my relationship banter–but this year my stories haven’t been with one girlfriend but with a few close friends. I used to think that certain experiences and emotions weren’t possible outside of relationships, but I’m lucky enough to see how much can happen with friendships.

A couple of the memories that come to mind, things that were given to me over the years:

• when Chris told me “I love you.” He and I used to go for runs late at night and work out relationship troubles…we got very close and no guy had said that to me before.
• when I brought Bobby to meet up with a group of high school friends and he’d talk to the group but only make eye contact with me. Bobby and I have been very close since ninth grade. He often makes little comments about our unique roles in each other’s lives.

The way that Andrew and I, Bobby and I, and to some degree Cauleen or Jenn and I talk these days is just on a different plane. Part of it’s the exclusivity that we have with each other to certain topics, part of it’s the trust and comfort level that comes with time, part of it is even the mutual deep respect that we have for each other’s paths…but I think it’s more.

The experience with Andrew at the airport was different. Or when he told me he got into Stanford Law I was so “proud.” When Bobby would share stories I felt a part of them. Some times life feels like a game of rote–a mandatory back-and-forth without a need for true interest or an ability for clear insight to be gained. But other times the emotions are more personal and firsthand. I overuse the term “living vicariously”–but that’s what it is, only much more real.

Such are my thoughts on a year of great friendships. Part of me wants to write a little blurb about people like Andrew, Justin, Bobby, Jenn, Cauleen, Chiles… or even some of the people I’ve worked with who impress the heck out of me and are as dear as my personal friendships.

I’m not so sure that I’ve captured my feelings on all of this. After a week with Cauleen where I had the strange feeling of getting to know someone after having not seen them for a while…and realizing that I already knew them so well, I’m just trying to put my thumb on the types of experiences I’ve been lucky enough to experience this year. I guess the only thing I can say for sure is thank you.