Last year I redid this blog and started technotheory, hired two new people, refocused the business on Office design as much as Office training. And personally I joined two new book clubs and resolved to hold some sort of party once per month. Here I am in May of 2007 with all these new things to maintain that I still believe in, and I want to do so much more. I want to start a social group in DC that’s passionate about technology more in the way people are in the Bay Area. Next month I start a series of business-oriented classes with the Board of Trade. I want to hire more people. Oh, and I want to take guitar lessons, dance lessons, and an extended vacation. By the way, there’s that new Murakami book, The Four Hour Work Week, the new CS3 suite to play with, and…

This all sounds well and good except that I’m not really succeeding. I have given little time and energy to the two blogs. I haven’t found balance between managing employees and doing my own work. And neither our website nor our collateral explain the new mission of the company. And, most importantly, my revenue is not in line with the type of growth I’d like to see.

I’ve taken on so many things and, while my clients and friends haven’t been sacrificed, I’m not sure where I want to be in any of these areas. All I know is that I need to take these priorities and do one thing at a time, not all of them at once. The whole jack of all trades master of none may make for great conversation, but it doesn’t translate to money or satisfaction. And the more often you have to switch tasks, the longer it takes to finish any of them.

Every once in a while I read a post about starting a side business or following your dream. Those types of articles are inspiring but they really only apply to those who haven’t yet suffered from too much ambition creep. I think I need to do less. And, more importantly, I need to want to do less. Or at least until I’ve gotten more out of what I’m doing now.

I have friends who have lived through awful circumstances. The girl who, in every relationship, gets cheated on in unpredictable & heinous ways. The friend with multiple advanced degrees who is continually pushed away from her life mission by being passed over by medical schools. Or, much worse, the friend who at 23 has been through the death of her two most serious boyfriends.

Perhaps one could respond that these people are not the ones who are truly suffering, and that they’re generally lucky to have certain privileges and all of their basic needs met. But I’m not looking to debate the priorities or definition of “luck” for people who are well-off, just to question how life treats people, regardless of their frame of reference.

My luckiness has led me to be more confident, to take risks, and to have an optimistic personality. While I put hard work into things, I’ve been very lucky overall. I found my house the first week I was looking. I’ve never been particularly hurt in a relationship. I’ve never been in a car accident or suffered a major injury. None of my immediate family has ever been through a trauma or serious illness. Or more incidentally, I found a perfect house the first week I looked and bought it for under the purchase price. But more than all these examples, things just seem to work out for me. And it plays a huge role in the way I live.

One exception to this is a person who left my life this year. It’s a story that merits an explanation longer and more personal than this blog, but the gist of it is that someone is no longer in my life…but without any reason. I consider that to be an instance of bad luck, and I use the term “luck” because I couldn’t have done anything to prevent this. But it’s left a wound that affects the way I trust others and with whom I surround myself. Quite honestly, I don’t think anything positive has come from the experience.

I’m reflecting on the latter experience because when circumstances went against my favor it had a conspicuously negative impact on my perspective. When others have similar bad luck I can only imagine that it would have similarly far-reaching and perhaps deleterious consequences.

So I wonder whether people think of themselves as lucky and how it plays a role in their daily lives and longterm vision. I can only hope for myself and my readers that luck will continue to be favorable, but some things just can’t be foreseen…

On most of the other sites, there’s this notion of ‘fitness matching’: You may have the same goals, intelligence, good looks, political beliefs. But you can walk into a room, and every one of those boys might come from the same background, have the same level of intelligence, and so on, and maybe you’ll talk to three but won’t fall in love with any of them. And with the fourth one, you do. What creates that chemistry? (Dr. Helen Fisher)

I’ll leave out the conclusions of the article and my own opinions on these sites, but I think this comment captures something that many of my friends and I have encountered in the dating world: lack of chemistry.

I know what type of person I’d like to meet, and if you asked me to list out all the ideal traits I’d probably keep typing until you took the keyboard away. At different times in my life I’ve met variations on this ideal (or the ideal at the time) and in some cases it’s turned into something…in others nothing came of it. Why?

In the times that it’s worked for me it’s never been subtle. Every person with whom I’ve had an emotionally significant relationship (that term’s just a little ambiguously loaded!) has had somewhat of a similar inception. The contexts have been different, but it’s been in some variety of:

1. Boy and Girl meet (or meet suddenly in a new context). Then they:
2. Have a short delay or not, but soon they…
3. Talk/write/email/IM for an insane amount of time. All the time. This feels natural & comfortable.
4. Don’t think about roles.
5. Boy and Girl become Boy&Girl.

On the other hand, a lot of dating, or at least the ones that even make it past a few dates, seem to fit the following pattern:

1. Boy and Girl meet (or meet suddenly in a new context). Then they:
2. Play out a polite ritual of when to call and write.
3. Go on a series of dates and have a fairly good time.
4. Notice all the things they have in common. Or maybe not…
5. Notice just how attracted they are to each other. Or maybe not…
6. Boy and Girl go through questioning in their head (perhaps interrupted by “physical distractions”)
7. Maximum time together: 2 months.

Once again: why?

Natural chemistry. I don’t know what that means, I don’t know how to recognize it at first, but it always follows the first set of steps for me (or at least the first steps 1-4). The last time it happened came as a shock to me: after almost 2 years of “things that worked and interesting people” I was completely surprised to find myself suddenly comfortable with a completely unexpected person. Why was it so different? Oh yeah, it just fit; I was conspicuously at ease.

Sadly that’s not the whole story. Chemistry is just one piece, though perhaps it may be the strongest one. In this last case it wasn’t enough.

But I feel like it’s the crucial piece that’s often missing. It seems to be easy to dismiss people because they’re not “as involved with X as you” or they cheer for a different political party. But I don’t know that I could dismiss people for these sorts of things if there were chemistry, at least not as quickly. Chemistry is often not subject to reason, it’s just what happens naturally.

I think there are times in our lives when we’re open to meeting people and times when we’re not; I imagine that plays a great deal into chemistry. I also think there are certain things we need to have in common to click in such a way. But the more I’m confronted with this topic, the more I wonder what these things are…and whether they’re what we’ve traditionally associated with “the list of requirements for an ideal.”

Once again I guess I’m just questioning the role of logic in the heart’s affairs. But I feel like it’s something we all need to remember as we go out to meet the perfect people. What’s perfect for you? Is it really that list of traits you wrote down?

In our twenties it seems like we cycle through people, and I can’t quite understand the roles played by shared history, convenience, and traits in common. I’m neither one to quickly say goodbye to my past or to entrust too much in future unknowns…but lately I feel like there’s neither rhyme nor reason for the people who come and those who go. For once I don’t feel fully in control of the relationships in my life.

For much of my life, it was just a fact: people and popularity came and went, but that was to be expected from adjusting to new places and switching between activities. Most friendships were about building trust and shared experiences over time…and then they switched between active and passive roles depending on a number of variables like geography and busyness. You keep in touch, you don’t keep in touch…but there’s more ambiguity than finality. Relationships existed for whenever one felt like reaching out to the other, be it for some specific assistance or just to feel connected to another human being.

Now, even though I’ve been in roughly the same geography for a while, it just doesn’t feel that way. Many of my friends are much more careful with who they let into their lives as they consider their time to be “too precious.” It’s as if we select friends like we court significant others…and no one’s good enough. And then there are the friends chosen out of convenience…personally I’ve never been much a fan of that.

I understand that we change as we grow older and different. But I don’t understand what it is that merits a lasting friendship outside of two people who want to share something. I just don’t have the answer. I’m a firm believer that we have the time for the people we want in our lives and that we can’t maintain relationships with everyone. But why it is that we find ourselves making such sharp choices these days is beyond me.

It scares me that, outside of a few good people, I’m relying more on myself every day. I don’t know that that’s how I want to be.

But along with the coincidence that brought Tomas and Tereza together there was the parallel romantic and terrible end of Anna and Vronsky in Anna Karenina. We choose to find beauty and create symmetry in life and love, but sometimes we need to look a little closer at that beauty. Sometimes we have to untangle the beauty and see it for the circumstance that it is.

You know, I never took Kim to the 94th Aerosquadron. That was where Helen and I had met and spent many an occasion. As a matter of fact, I don’t think I’ve been to the nicest restaurant in College Park in the last 4 years. I’m guilty as charged for holding onto beauty.

There was a tiny, hidden park I used to love in High School. Merrill and I found it one day and spent three hours there swinging and hanging out in this little hut talking about everything that high school kids do when they pour out their hearts and become best friends who live in different states and wish they lived closer. But the terrible beautiful thing about that park is that I took a lot of people there. At first it became their park and not Merrill’s park. But then something changed: it became my park, my memory.

The same unfortunate truth has happened with so many other places. But that’s life: when we move on we can’t expect to leave memories unscathed. We want to preserve the beauty, the innocence, the moment. But life goes on and we shouldn’t be expected not to want to enjoy and appreciate the things that we always loved.

The classic mistake is the dancing couple who breaks up and gives up their cherished activity due to the memories. It’s going to happen that you share things with someone, but just because you’re sharing doesn’t mean you’re not learning something yourself. Just because you’re growing together doesn’t mean you’re not growing yourself.

It would be ridiculous for me to toss aside all the wonderful things I learned about myself, to forget the things I’m now knowledgeable about, or to avoid the subjects and places that have taken on meaning. I created that shared meaning and it’s okay for me to enjoy that meaning just for myself, or with whomever I so choose.

Don’t get me wrong: it’s ironic and bizarre both the professional and personal things I’ve found people to share in common lately. But I can’t fault myself for seeing the beauty, for connecting the dots, for seeing the obvious. But people, places, and events are unique and reminders will fade away like the warm weather. Still, the sun will return and new memories and beauties will be built: some conscious, and some unaware.

The trick is to accept the beauty while being careful, and push aside the pain while being respectful. Bridges are not to be burned, but new bridges must haveroom to be built.

There’s no such thing as finality in moving on, but we’ve just got to lookout for ourselves. So it goes, and so do I…

• I’ve learned that you can’t ever know someone completely.
• I’ve learned that you can’t ever know yourself completely.
• I’ve learned that knowing _is_ half the battle.
• I’ve learned that I can never live up to my growing expectations.
• I’ve learned that a lot of nice things will make you happy, but a lot of them won’t.
• I’ve learned that there’s a certain pride in doing something yourself.
• I’ve learned that pride is not always practical.
• I’ve learned that everyone has to do gruntwork.
• I’ve learned that it’s best to do what one’s most valued at.
• I’ve learned that some people will unforunately be most valued for gruntwork.
• I’ve learned that I’m going to compare myself to whatever I’m reading.
• I’ve learned that most good literature is depressing.
• I’ve learned that age is a myth and a fact.
• I’ve learned that complaining about being young is a silly thing, in the long run.
• I’ve learned that it’s much easier to write when you’re a little bit sad or depressed.

I’ve learned that some traditions have to be broken. I got a lot of flak from you know who when I hadn’t posted here in a while. She says its such an integral part of me, this website. But we grow up, we change. It’s not that I don’t love sharing my reflections and helping people to learn and grow. It’s not that I don’t still think the same way about the world and agree with most of what I’ve written. It’s just that I’m not willing to wear it all for everyone anymore.

It’s a little sad perhaps. In the last few months I’ve felt really popular, opening myself up to a lot of new people and going out all the time. But as the summer begins to draw to a close I see myself closing, as well. There are a few people who are “in” for the long haul, but for once I may have to pull out on those that don’t reciprocate. I remember when Bobby told me he only wanted friends that he could talk about for hours. That’s the kind of friends that I want–people like Andrew, Justin, Bobby–who impress me so much with their ambitions, personalities, and feelings for life. And if people make it difficult (I’m sorry Framingham people, but most of you are quite horrible people at keeping in touch) then I’m not going to try for you.

I’ve also learned a little that I never wanted to learn, the hard way: no matter how principled one is, one has to look out for one’s own self first. Perhaps I could say that love doesn’t die fast, and that’d be just as true, but moving on is a bitch and anything one can do to help that out is probably the best thing for them. Benjamin Franklin wrote in his Calculus of Felicity to “use venery” as a core principle (and the editors rubbed it out)…but that’s not what I mean. That’s worked for two of my closest friends (E & J), but it ain’t my cup of tea. For me it just may mean not wanting to give like I’ve always given. Or maybe it means just cutting certain things out. I don’t know, but you’ve got to take care of your head and I’m not averse to anything.

But that’s not what’s induced this abreaction. Andrew mentioned Kundera’s heaviness-lightness metaphor the other day. For a time I think I’d felt light and thus I’d been seeking so much out. But now I feel that heaviness again. The momentum of work is catching up with me and though there are pieces missing elsewhere I feel like I’m making something happen. Or maybe it’s not positive: maybe it all is starting to feel real. I was moving some files today and saw the old brochuers I’d printed out two years ago–and I wouldn’t dare use those today. The new logo is ready. I’ve got a new server. There’s much work to do and a national DOJ contract looming. But momentum alone won’t carry me.

Next week I’ll be home, partly for a contract but partly to see family. That should be grounding. One way or another I feel like I’m outgrowing some clothes and moving on. In time you’ll see, maybe here or maybe not, where it all goes. If you want to hold onto me, you know it’s not hard. I want to hold onto you, and I’m going to do that soon. I have an entry I’ve been working on for a while, but more than that I want to write about my friends, and in the next few months I’ll hopefully be telling you about the wonderful ones I have. Goodbye for now.

I do have some goals right now. It’s not as simple as “employee, house, dog,” but it’s something like that. I would like to have David doing more work for me and bring some other people on board. I would like to buy a house that I can rent out in DC. I would like a dog. And someday I would like to go to law school, hopefully as a business expense. But I look at these goals without forgetting about the present. I think of this whole process a little differently.

It’s got to be about a stairway with a view: each step will not get you closer to something, but it’ll make the view of it all a little nicer. The view of life is more colorful when there’s love, family, financial security, pets, motivating work, educational growth, hobbies, etc.

Some experiences we have are completely transitory. Others improve or clarify the view of everything else—lifting both our spirits and our awareness. Steps of the latter variety are on the stairway with a view.

So even though part of me feels like I have a five year plan, with the next goal being able to afford a house in DC, I’m not really worried about getting there just yet. Right now I’ve already climbed fairly high and the view isn’t so bad. Someday I’ll hopefully have lots more in the kaleidoscope, like kids and maybe a nice spot by the water…but it doesn’t have to be about one end-all-be-all with no intermediates. As a matter of fact, there are some things you can only see at certain levels.

The trick is to figure out where you are and what’s worthwhile and unique about that view. Then, if it’s the right time, start figuring out how to make the view better…but do it in a way that won’t obscure too much of the present scenery. Or, at least, that’s how I’d do it.

Just remember to hang onto the railing…

Arguably everything we desire is just a means to our own pleasure. But I think we can take a step back and think about what it is we’re striving toward and whether it truly will fill our needs–our destinations. What’s the merit behind advanced degrees, for instance? Is it following a passion to the point of total immersion and deep comprehension and the feeling of being a skilled practitioner? Or is it a means to money which is a means to a house which is a means to…? Or, worse yet, is it just something we’ve always thought of as “necessary”…

I’m rather goal-oriented–I always have things to accomplish and I feel most comfortable when I make progress on them. But what if my goals are merely vehicles and not destinations? What if I’m hoping to have more of x so that I can accomplish and receive more x when in the end what I really want is y? And no, I’m not just referring to money. It’s about evaluating the things you do every day and the reason’s behind them. What is it that truly matters and is your list of goals actually getting you to those thing–be they a person, a hobby, or a passion, etc.

I say all this as quite a few gears have shifted in my life. Relationships, work, and possessions have all been in a strange flux lately. But the beauty and darkness of a flux is that it’s malleable. What does it really mean to succeed in work and life? What are the true destinations? I hope to figure that out. I really do…

I’ve looked at my relatives this Thankgiving break–the aunts, uncles, cousins, and parents I’ve grown up with. They are flawed people like the rest of us who work hard to keep each other happy, succeeding much of the time.

With or without the juxtaposition, I’m very proud of the way Kim and I communicate; I’ve never met anyone as patient and willing to share. Alas, we’re both young, and she’s three years younger. It’s times like this I wish life weren’t such a precarious occupation. (As FLB put it, “Love is a dangerous angel”)

So here I am at one of the many post-college cross roads. I don’t believe that Kim is the only one…or that anyone is. I’m willing to stick it out through the distances ahead and our diverse ambitions. But while most cats survive, not all relationships can handle the curiosity of the unknown.

At this crossroad, Dear and dear reader, there is not one right answer. I plan my life around my love, but I just don’t know what is right and wrong this time. Could we make it forever? Perhaps. Are we the best couple for the journey? I’ve grown skeptical of a single answer in my young dotage. No 20-something philosopher turned-entrepreneur can answer that question. Can you?