Is it a competition?

I don’t know for whom the realization was more startling when H said to me the other day, “wow, I didn’t know you were competitive.” We were in the basement at my dad’s house, playing pool and air hockey with Bobby & Jaimie. My sister let out a laugh at H’s comment, and I had a wry grin on my face: oh, if she only knew…

There are times when the competition is internal–trying to be better at some task or looking for some feeling of accomplishment. But then there’s an innate drive to prove something to someone else, and to be the best, whatever that means.

In this world where barriers keep collapsing, it’s more difficult than ever to be the best. The internet and frequent travel may make it easier to make a name for oneself, but it also makes it more apparent who is still leagues above. Where it was once possible to feel proud, humbling oneself is now as simple as typing a few keystrokes on google or the social networking site of one’s choice.

The only answer that I’ve come up with is that while one ought to try (and maybe even master) several disciplines, one should focus on one area to be truly stellar. Let me try that again, without the mask of the third person–I think there’s only area for me to truly make a mark.

And it’s odd how competition works for me. When I look around and I see others’ successes, I have a combination between happiness for them and a yearning to prove something: that’s really cool; oh, did you know that I…?. No, I don’t actually do that, but sometimes I feel that way. I’ve decided, for instance, that I don’t need to be an amazing dancer. I can hold my own, but I don’t need to prove who I am through dance or be the best…I’d rather put my energy toward the area where I really can make that mark.

But the (perhaps sad) truth of the matter though is that no matter how far I get toward making that mark, I don’t foresee it ever being a public sort of success. There’ll be a small community who understands and respects my accomplishments in that field, but most people around me will still miss the point of it all. I wonder if that’s okay?

Often I’ll tell someone what I do and, thinking they’re being a polite active listener, they’ll sum it up with “oh, so you work with computers.” I must admit, nothing infuriates me more. I wonder when it’ll be commonplace that people understand the differences of various technology and business positions…

I know that it’s not all a competition. And I’m sure most people don’t care. But as someone whose work is not only their career but their true passion, I do want to make a difference in that area…and I hope that maybe some people will understand why. Maybe they won’t understand what it entailed, but hopefully they’ll see that that’s more me than how it is I present myself on the dancefloor. Alas…