The friends who come and go from our lives

This weekend I visited Andrew, who never ceases to impress me with his ambition and intensity. He’s one my most consistent friends, even though he’s on the other side of the country. On the way back from the trip I spent a couple hours on the phone with someone in another state who I can’t seem to stop talking to. And I returned to find a letter from an old friend who surprised me by saying goodbye.

In our twenties it seems like we cycle through people, and I can’t quite understand the roles played by shared history, convenience, and traits in common. I’m neither one to quickly say goodbye to my past or to entrust too much in future unknowns…but lately I feel like there’s neither rhyme nor reason for the people who come and those who go. For once I don’t feel fully in control of the relationships in my life.

For much of my life, it was just a fact: people and popularity came and went, but that was to be expected from adjusting to new places and switching between activities. Most friendships were about building trust and shared experiences over time…and then they switched between active and passive roles depending on a number of variables like geography and busyness. You keep in touch, you don’t keep in touch…but there’s more ambiguity than finality. Relationships existed for whenever one felt like reaching out to the other, be it for some specific assistance or just to feel connected to another human being.

Now, even though I’ve been in roughly the same geography for a while, it just doesn’t feel that way. Many of my friends are much more careful with who they let into their lives as they consider their time to be “too precious.” It’s as if we select friends like we court significant others…and no one’s good enough. And then there are the friends chosen out of convenience…personally I’ve never been much a fan of that.

I understand that we change as we grow older and different. But I don’t understand what it is that merits a lasting friendship outside of two people who want to share something. I just don’t have the answer. I’m a firm believer that we have the time for the people we want in our lives and that we can’t maintain relationships with everyone. But why it is that we find ourselves making such sharp choices these days is beyond me.

It scares me that, outside of a few good people, I’m relying more on myself every day. I don’t know that that’s how I want to be.