Trusting Others’ Opinions

Perhaps the greatest threat to a relationship is a lack of respect in another’s opinion. The opposite is also true: being able to truly value someone else’s insight on critical topics opens a whole new dimension of communication. Be it a close friend, a relative, a coworker, or a lover–this sort of trust in communication is the building blocks from which relationships can blossom. But it’s so often a missing piece.What’s amazing about relationships is not the patterns of what’s present, but how often particular elements are missing. It’s not so silly though: we seek different forms of connection, and definitions for “friend” or “lover” are as varied as DC weather in March. Some friendships are about convenience, some are about late night conversations, and some are only as long lasting as a given team has games. Other relationships may go deeper, but I believe it’s still somewhat arbitrary which good traits are present. We all know of marriages that were missing seemingly obvious traits…some of which failed and some of which keep trucking along.

What scares me is how many relationships lack a respect in the other’s opinion. Ivy League Joe dating High School Educated Jane is not an unusual or altogether odd scenario, but the idea of Joe patronizing Jane is grisly to me. And we all know how often we hear without listening.

In a real relationship it’s not so simple. Joe will have his strengths (bear with me through these stereotypes, they’re for clarity), managing the finances and helping with the kids’ homework. Jane keeps track of the kids’ schedules and has all the ideas for fun things on weekend evenings. Maybe this works fine in the day-to-day, but what happens when Jane suggests that a particular summer camp is better for little Alex, and Joe has a different opinion? From their particular strengths this should have no relevancy, but will an initial imbalance lead to an imbalance throughout? When conflicts arise will Joe and Jane respect each other’s judgments?

A beautiful thing is when both Joe and Jane can contribute and complement one another. A terrible thing is when they don’t see eye to eye when conflict strikes.

It’s easy to frame a portrait of big issues like this, and I think relationships can get by when these things come up. What’s harder for me to understand is how some relationships can exist without a basic respect for the others’ opinion on a daily basis. Let me explain…

Think of a person who you trust blindly–the one who always finishes projects on time, who always knows what to say, who remembers your birthday every year. They’re on top of life, have proven themselves, and are dependable. When you talk to this person you’re going to listen to their advice even if it’s completely different than your own. Just by virtue of an idea coming from this person makes it worthy of respect and attention.

We attach a particular degree of value to each person and their ideas. With the person above, we highly value and appreciate their attention. With someone else, though we may be close with them, we may not really value their opinion. Maybe it’s a coworker who has a bunch of ludicrous conspiracy theories about the government. Perhaps it’s a close friend who has horrible taste in significant others. In either case, there will be other areas in which we respect their opinion…and the question becomes how important it is that we see eye to eye on particular topic areas.

As we get to know people, I think it’s easy to fall victim to devaluing certain people’s opinions and blindly praising others. Look around you, I’m sure you know who falls into which categories.

But so far I’ve just painted a portrait. I bring attention to this for two reasons:

1. Is it okay to develop a friendship with someone when there are relevant sides of them that you simply disagree with?
2. Why is it that so many serious relationships miss this type of respect even after early signs? I only wish that people could be more aware of it.

It’s wonderful when two people can disagree and yet still respect each other’s insight. It’s saddening when there’s patronization or frustration at not being able to get one’s opinion listened to. I just hope for more of the former than the latter…