Christmas Ennui

So it’s Christmas again. Too bad to me that just means a day for reflection…and no presents or family. So, take it or leave it, here’s an introspective snapshot.

It’s hard for me to look back on last year, which was just such a different time. For the last year and half I’ve pretty much had a handle on life–or at least things were consistent. Now it seems that there’s a lot of change and it’s tough to not have the same sort of control.

I’m not a control freak, but I like to know what’s on my plate and where I’m headed. Right now I’m torn between saying goodbye to the past so I can move on and holding onto the past in hopes of bringing it with me into the future. It’s so hard to say goodbye, but I really need some direction and I hate not knowing what the future holds in so many ways. I hate gambling.

The trouble with life is that there are only so many things one can consistently depend on, be they people, hobbies, occupations, etc. And when one of these leaves and another has to replace it there are just so many things one has to adjust and decide: is it about comparison or about starting over? is it about what I’ve always wanted or what I’ve never tried? is what I’m feeling right now a response or what I’ve always believed?

Not to have that dependability and presence is difficult for me. I don’t know whether to seek out or to seek in for guidance, to act or to pause and reflect. Ignoring and moving on doesn’t work for me: my life is too busy for things to “just happen.” If I want to do something I have to make an effort, otherwise it’ll fall by the wayside, regardless of its benefit or detriment.

Well it’s a new year…and new people, hobbies, and jobs await. So much to think about. I just don’t want to do it alone.