Mistakes and Forgiveness

We all make mistakes: brand new mistakes and repeated mistakes, big mistakes and little mistakes, regretted mistakes and celebrated mistakes, and mistakes we don’t even notice. No matter how sensitive of a person you are, if you’re living today then you’ve been able to come to terms with a lot of the things that simply weren’t exactly how you’d wanted them to be. Sometimes it’s one of those, “well I really learned from this” rationalization and other times it’s just a matter of moving on. But while it ends up being easy for us to get past our own mistakes, is it easy to get past other people’s mistakes?

Have you ever had a friend that did something that really hurt you? Is that person still worthy of the title of friend? Worse yet, have you ever done something that really bothered somebody you cared about? Do they still consider you a friend?

No doubt we’ve all had experiences where we’ve messed up and either been forgiven or lost a valuable connection. Old friendships, casual acquaintances, family members, and serious relationships are always subjected to these sorts of events. Now I just have one question, which I’ll answer in a moment…

Why do people forgive others for their mistakes?

Here’s a perspective:

There are a lot of fish in the sea. I’m not so hard to please, but there are a few things that I ask for. As such, it shouldn’t be so hard to find someone who can meet those expectations. If you can’t meet those few standards, if you want to yell at me, if you’re not interested in me, then so be it–I can move on. Why should I stand by when you fuck up, and not just once, but over and over again… You told me you were figuring things out, you were drunk, it was a one-time thing, you learned so much from it, you hadn’t had any sleep…but then you did it again. How can you expect me to accept that in you? I have one hundred other friends and I know of their relationships–they don’t have problems like us. They just don’t make mistakes like that.

There’s only one problem with it: there’s no likely difference between the accuser and the accused. Every one, without exception, can look back and recall over a thousand stupid things they’ve done that they would’ve done differently. When it comes to you, you haven’t given up on yourself, have you? So why be so quick to give up on another? Because there are other people out there? Sit down for a second and ask yourself all the good things about yourself, and list all the bad things about yourself. Both of these lists should be fairly long. Now do the same for the person in question. If you put an honest effort into this, then their list should be somewhat similar. Not only are you human, but everyone is.

How can you live with someone who is so flawed? How can you live with yourself!

It’s always going to be easier to rebound to our own flaws than to the flaws of those close to us. It’s unfortunate, too, because it’s silly to subject the rest of the world to standards that you yourself don’t meet. So give up and move on…together.

So how does this apply to life? Should one accept every flaw in every human being?

No, of course not. The way that this applies is to relationships where mistakes occur–to every relationship. Maybe the fear is your friend or lover won’t like you anymore because you’re so flawed. Or maybe the fear is that your friend or lover is so flawed, why should you stick with them. But if you really care for someone then move on just like you would if it were your own fault. And take some comfort in the fact that they’ll accept you, as well.

There are times when things go too far, when mistakes are too large, when the line has to be drawn…but that’s not the usual situation. The usual situation is where there’s just a bunch of stuff, looking back, that’s a real pain. Well, accept it. The longer you know someone the more you’re going to have to look back upon that was imperfect. And you know what: the same applies to you.

The good news is that the longer you know someone, the more you can look back at the stuff you shared that was wonderful. There are so many great things about the people we welcome into our lives. And there’s a lot of people who are amazing that we simply won’t get a chance to welcome. The only invariable here is time–and we don’t have the time to let everyone in…so we need to cherish who we have and forgive, because mistakes are as inevitable in friendships as they are in ourselves.

So you know what to do and you you have the answer: people make mistakes just like we do. We can accept them in others because we accept them in ourselves. And it’s a two way street–so don’t think you’re going to lose someone over a little mistake. Relax and move on…together.