The Old and New Me

I promise that this entry will not be superhappy, because whether or not I could put a million positive spins on this, that’s simply not the point. This is supposed to be what it is.

This is somewhat related to my last entry, only my reasoning for writing this is very different. In the last entry I talked about the pictures we paint of ourselves, and the care we must take when we draw. Right now I want to say that I can’t help but to mess up the painting. I’ve never had much talent with art.

Looking back on my life I can see a number of trends with my friendships and relationships. I’ve grown up a lot in the last five or six years, though it’s very hard to see what specific details have changed. There are all sorts of hypothetical landmarks for what changed me. And if you were to ask my father, he could probably run off a list of the events that have changed my life. He likes bringing this up in conversation…especially when I revert back to a former self.

When I didn’t get into National Honors Society is the classic example. I was a problem child and, though my grades and extracurriculars were easily sufficient, more than one teacher objected to my acceptance, so I didn’t make it. Well, my family made a whole to-do about it and, whether or not this was the turning point, somehow or another in the next year I became a much more appropriate student…and got into NHS that next year.

Then again, I was still only friendly with a few people and wasn’t really where I wanted to be with my friendships. Sure I had a few-month long relationship in eleventh grade, and another one my senior year. But it wasn’t until the last semester of high school that I really got it straight and ended up with the Framingham friendships I have now. I’m lucky that they were so welcoming.

But I still remember Ian telling me in January of my freshman year of college how much of a pain in the ass I was that first semester. I distinctly recall what he was referring to: my complaints about immature relationships, my attempts to debate with him without knowing the whole story, and just not knowing when to stop and when to keep going. But again, thankfully he stuck by me while I got past another hump in the road of life.

But I’m not a new person. I’m still a little too loud, I still hold onto things a little too long, I still get a little antsy when things don’t go how I intend, and I still overanalyze trivialities. There’s no doubt in my mind that I’ve grown a great deal, both personally and academically, in even the last year….But my deepest character flaws are still looming not far from the surface.

I try to overshadow the issues with my better qualities, but every whole is still a function of its parts…and sometimes we’re only as strong as our weakest links. We all have problems, we all have issues, and we know that, given enough time and attention, they’re going to come out–especially in the context of those closest to us.

So, do I respond to this dilemma and pose a solution for you? Are we forever doomed to our deepest weaknesses?

I don’t know. I don’t know that I can outgrow the sides of me that I don’t love. But right now my motivation is as great as it will ever be. All I need is a little patience.