The Calm Before…

It’s so weird. I can’t decide whether I’m lazy or resting or what… I have a lot to do and a fair amount of time to do it, but without the pressure it’s hard to go forward. Or maybe it isn’t, but it’s definitely different when you make up your own rules.

I also haven’t written a lot lately, not here. I don’t know why that is. I’ve started two or three entries that I haven’t posted. One of them was about how even when one rests there’s still so much to do. Another was about the “golden handcuffs” of working in computer science – how it’s hard to leave a field that pays well for something that you love. But since this site is more for me than anyone else I don’t feel bad for leaving them incomplete and unposted. If you want to hear my thoughts on them, you know how to reach me.

And in general I’ve been quiet lately. I’ve wanted to be more patient, for a long time, and maybe I’m getting there. Or maybe I’m just silent for no reason. My mom said to me that I seem “peaceful”; that’s never been on my list of adjectives…

You know me: if there’s something important to say that I’m a little skeptical about, I’ll probably say it so that I can learn more about it and figure out what I’m thinking. But on the other hand I don’t want to be misunderstood. I know that, given the pressure or impetus, I can talk and talk and talk… but without that muse I’ve been quiet lately. Or is it uninspired?

Around Bob or Andy, people who are definitely intelligent friends, I just haven’t had the interest of starting a serious conversation. I’ve maintained that same peaceful, almost indifferent, composure. Tama and Ian and others have brought out the usual happy, questioning Jared… but most people haven’t. And I haven’t tried hard for them to.

Perhaps I’m waiting for something to happen that’ll change everything. I mentioned to an old teacher last week that I’m doing all these hobbies and making myself a better person at least until I find “the one.” I buy all these cards and decorations for my room that I really love, in hope that someone will understand them. Hell, I write this journal to find empathy. But very few seem to understand, to relate to my interests.

Or maybe that’s just my skepticism. I hung out at Harvard last night with Tama and her good friend, a cynical philosophy major. Outside of Ian and my dad I don’t usually see that intellectual side of the world. Why is that? I like learning from my friends, and knowing that they care about stuff. As I’ve always said, I like people with a passion.

I’ve digressed a lot in this entry. But it’s just that, while I may be “on the precipice of big time” (as I wrote the other day), I’m only on the precipice. I’m only at the beginning… and I don’t have that extra push that I might need to make the change.

It’ll come.