L’shana tova. Happy Birthday

There are voices. One of them tells me “Carpe diem! Act, live, love, let go!” And the other silences me with its “Patience is a virtue. Just wait and it will come.” And then people look at this conflict and mutter, “well, obviously you can’t *always* get what you want, and *sometimes* you should take a chance.” Well, damned if I do, damned if I don’t. All the famous lines, holy texts, and ethical theories are about as helpful as Bazooka Joe comics, only I get a piece of gum with the latter. Ask me what I want to be? Sure, I can give you an answer and a dream. The dream is to be a supreme court justice. But how on earth can someone make decisions in this world where relativism reigns supreme. Why should I believe that we’re any more enlightened in the 21st century than we were 200 years ago. Sure, we live longer and have fancier toys, but what’s to say we’re “progressing”? Hell, 200 years ago we weren’t worried about our species still being in existence just a few generations down the line. What has all this bought us?

Okay, so today is a skeptical day. As I see the unusually beautiful chemical sunset I can feel the echo of the shofar in my bones, ringing in a new year. Tonight I will be going to synagogue, for the first time since Passover, praying to God that I should live another year. I can count on one hand how many times I’ve been to synagogue since I began college, but I guess that’s not a terrible thing.

After all, who knows what I believe? Sure, I’ve come dangerously close to dying and I don’t know why I’m alive. I’ve walked on slippery rocks hundreds of feet off the ground. I’ve pushed myself to the limit, because of anger or just for the heck of it. I’ve lived every time I got on the highway and passed a car at 80mph. But no deity has spoken to me. And I’ve been hurt, very badly. Rabbi Kushman may have an explanation for “why bad things happen to good people,” but I don’t think my Judaism has anything to do with my luck, if that’s what you want to call it. And who says I’m a good person to begin with?

What is a good person anyways? We all have our flawless resumes and bitter stories. Have I driven two hours to say happy birthday? Yes. Have I turned down a true friend for a pretty face that slapped me? Yes. I think I do a good job caring for my friends most of the time, and I guess that’s what’s important to me, but so many people do so much more for so much less. I just don’t have that patience.

And though I’ve digressed, I’ve returned to the original point. I’m impatient. Look at my sister, Marina, Helen, any of those crazy people out there who spend 10 hours of every day doing homework and the remaining 14 in class. Look at me. I spend 10 hours a week on work, and I could drop out right now and make what they’ll make. Am I bragging? No, I think it’s pathetic that some computer skills are more profitable in this world than saving lives or making our buildings safe. But money drives society. And their fields have been around since people have.

I don’t know what I’m asking. I don’t know what I’m saying. But this next week is going to be an interesting one. Who knows what I deserve? What have I learned? The closer I get the farther I want to run.

So today I’m skeptical. It’s a new year. I hope someday the sunset will just be beautiful. Because there’s so much in this world I want to take for granted and love.

L’shana tova. And almost-happy birthday to me.

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Published:
12.29.00 / 9pm
Category:
Best Of, Reflections
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