Tantalize

tan·ta·lize
To excite (another) by exposing something desirable while keeping it out of reach.

This American Heritage definition of tantalize remains posted on my bedroom wall back at home. I put it up about four years ago, after feeling the wrath of my first long distance relationship. Two years and twenty temptations later I came up with the aol screen name Tantaluz (a variation on the verb’s root), which I still use. But should I still consider myself “tantalized” or has the role reversed? Is it possible that this seemingly torturous expression could take on a devilishly positive meaning for me?

Everyday we tantalize. By that I mean that we walk on the line of how far we will go and how close we will get without stepping over it. How much can you tell someone without saying too much? How physical can one get without pushing the definition of “friend”? How can you maintain someone’s interest without revealing your own intentions? Why is it that we want so badly to push things to the limit without actually taking the next steps? It’s so dangerous.

Sometimes we wish we could cross the line and other times we greatly fear it. It seems as if we work best when both parties are right on the line. On the line there’s a sort of balance, but one that’s so dangerously close to instability. It’s as if you’ve reached a stage that may be the climax, or may just be an intermediary step in a relationship that’s soon to live or die. But it seems as if it’s the fullest potential stage without meaning, and you don’t really want to lose what you have.

Or do you? Because inevitably you can’t stay on the line very long. Someone’s going to cross it or back out. And then it gets so confusing. So often you won’t see eye to eye anymore. Then someone has to step back or reciprocate a feeling that they don’t share, both of which are very difficult options.

So maybe I should just give up on getting to know people, because it’s a process that inevitably leads *somewhere*. And right now I fear that I don’t want to end up *anywhere*.

Today’s been such a weird day. Some people crossed over the line…and I don’t want to have to change things, but there’s no fun in tantalizing once emotions are involved. I don’t really know what to do. So here I stand, four years and four hundred miles later, so close and so out of reach. Maybe we all just need to figure out what we want before we get too close. I’m certainly confused.

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Published:
12.27.00 / 6pm
Category:
Best Of, Quote/Lyric, Reflections, Relationships
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