Happiness or Depression?

Is our natural state that of happiness or depression? Do we try to overcome depression or maintain happiness? Do significant others, diversions, and kindness remind how great life is, or merely distract from the pains of living? Is this simply another half empty/half full discussion?

So many people call me an optimist, a kid that can’t sit still, a happy person to be around… but is that a myth? At some point I started getting busier and consequently happier. I haven’t slowed down since then. Setting expectations and testing commitment has been the theme of the last few years. Send me alone and I’ll take in my environment, add people and I’ll be social. But I return to the original question: are these changes in me defenses against depression or strides toward happiness?

For me, happiness is a sloped spectrum and activities are like the friction point on a clutch–the exact force needed to overcome static friction (and keep the car from rolling backwards). The slope varies in angle, and consequently the force needed becomes greater or lesser. Smaller angled slopes enable one to move forward and enjoy oneself… but other slopes force one to roll backwards–stripping gears and realizing failure even while making an attempt to be happy.

The majority of the time I feel like I’m just maintaining that point, riding the clutch on a hill. Yeah, it lets me stay where I am, but unfortunately I wear myself out in the process. New activities come at new costs and don’t always work–such is the price of replacing one’s clutch.

Why all this questioning? Well, if depression were my natural state, then I shouldn’t feel terrible when things seem bad–it’s simply that I hadn’t taken enough preventive measures (not having found the friction point). If happiness were my natural state then that would imply that I had actually screwed up and that my depression was actively my fault. A believer of the former perspective would say to a single person, “the right girl hasn’t come around yet” whereas a subscriber to the latter would claim that “you haven’t found the right girl after all this time looking.”

So tonight really was depressing, but I don’t know if it was me slipping into a lower state or my not being able to overcome the circumstances. I believe the cards were not dealt in my favor. I’m going to take the easy way out and put the blame on the context. No, I’m not innately happy. I work toward happiness, but sometimes it seems impossible. But “knowing is half the battle,” right? Next up on my questions is whether or not its best to feign happiness or let those around you know how you feel, good or bad…

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Published:
12.3.00 / 11pm
Category:
Best Of, Reflections
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