Reason in Relationships

I‘ve heard a lot of different opinions about the role that reason should play in relationships. Some say that affect (aka feeling) is the sole guiding force. It provides us with a “gut instinct” to either move faster or slower, together or apart. If there’s a little voice there “must be a reason,” so act upon it. You don’t really want to fight yourself.

Others claim that relationships should be governed wholly by reason. Maintain your calm, think about things, and take a step after logically deciding the right option. Don’t lose yourself because you may do something you’re going to regret.

There’s merit in both approaches. The “romantic” will fall in love, let go of themselves, and feel things very deeply. The “realist” will not get hurt and will know when someone logically complements them. But it’s not too hard to also find problems with both approaches.

Most of these problems arise from different expectations on the approaches themselves, within couples. When one needs to *feel* and the other to *know* then one or both may be unsatisfied.

But I don’t just want to discuss this polarity dispute; supposedly there’s some happy ground in the middle, right? Few people are solely in one of those areas. And, as most will realize, anytime they handle an issue without considering both sides then they’ll get themselves into trouble. Well, I think I have a fairly firm grasp of both sides, but I don’t really know where I do or should fit.

I start relationships with an initial feeling and then step forward with logical reasoning for a long period. Perhaps the initial feeling is that of attraction, and the logical period is one for security: I want to make sure that I’ll enjoy her company, but I don’t want to let go of too much without certainty that this is worth it. Then slowly I start to shift from being purely calm and logical to being more open and passionate. Not that I’m ever really closed, but I carefully hold onto certain words and thoughts until the time is right. And eventually I’m willing to really like the person.

Fortunately or unfortunately society also plays a role in this dichotomy. While we try to figure out our own tolerances and needs in these two spheres, our culture tells us that we should develop certain traditions (emotion) but at specific times (reason). So it all just gets more complex.

I guess it all comes back to needing a firm emotional and rational basis before taking too many chances. There are times when she moves too fast, and there are times when I move too fast. And again it seems like one giant gray area. I feel as if I’m swimming in gray. I’m just a little tired.

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Published:
11.12.00 / 11pm
Category:
Reflections, Relationships
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