Letting Go…

You know, usually I just sit down and scribble out whatever I’m thinking about. But this week I feel like my words are more important than that. I thank those of you that keep up with this page — TS, SLC, KAM, ? — and for you I’ll update this, for I fear few eyes will ever read these words.

As I started to say in the “Have You Seen Me Lately” section for today, I’ve been doing more for myself and spending less time with others in the last few weeks. I’m not so sure why…

For one thing, I no longer feel as if I’m on the rebound. I’m not looking for quick fun or psuedo-companionship. While I spent a lot of the last few months with eyes wide open to both girls and friends, now I don’t mind reading in the dining hall, alone.

There’s still a part of me that needs presence; that will never go away. It was the reason why my last relationship didn’t work out and it’s why many simple friendships just don’t do it for me. But that part of me that needs presence does not need to be dependent. Wanting someone’s company does not mandate that one will be lost without it–life goes on.

So maybe that’s the trick: believing in yourself and knowing with whom you can let yourself go. I remember when I used to be ashamed to go to the mall with my parents. “But mom, what if someone sees me with…with you!” A little bit of that was the superficiality of my age, but most of it was really a lack of confidence. Whereas now if I’m eating alone in the dining hall, I really just don’t care, so long as I’m enjoying myself. If I don’t want people to see me it’s because I don’t want to see them…

But anyhow, the second half of the trick is really important, too: knowing with whom you can let yourself go. Sometimes it feels like you’re amazingly-connected to a person, like they just know you so incredibly well and you can tell them anything…but do realize that timing is very important. Self-disclosure can just as easily push someone away as pull them closer. Right now I’d rather take it easy and not get hurt, even though I may miss some opportunities.

If this whole entry doesn’t sound too much like me then maybe you understand why I haven’t wanted to write lately. I don’t want to let go of too many words. I don’t want to take too many chances. I’m content: I want to relax.

So, to RMS, who asked me to write about the girls in my life, there’s my answer: I’m just stepping back for a little while. To those who know me, you know it can’t be too long. Maybe I’ll get to see what it’s like to live in sanity for a little while….

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Published:
10.20.00 / 9pm
Category:
Reflections, Relationships
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